Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
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“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB