The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
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doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.