I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
You Might Also Like
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me