My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
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My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.