If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
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Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I hope it’s French Onion!
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
just make the entire table out of coaster
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
So that’s what we looked like?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?