Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts: