Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.