massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
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want me to check your oil?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in