Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
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With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
ouch
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Owl Sanctuary
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
monday