I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
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Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Our lord and savoury.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
stop
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
thinking about a very short hotdog
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition