Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
do u think theres a butter planet?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
And bowling should be called pinball
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it