I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
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[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
We have a winner.
shit just got real
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE