idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
You Might Also Like
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef