COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
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Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea