God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
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“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.