Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
accurate
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok: