[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
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My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
My dating profile:
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.