me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
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I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday