My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?