Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
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[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’m sorry…what?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I will never stop laughing at this
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off