To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
so much to do
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.