Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My boss called in sick of me
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
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I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
step 6: release the wall snake
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.