Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.