I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
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I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald