Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
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It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.