Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.