[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
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Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.