Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
それは草
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby