The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Something Saturday.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*