Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
The 6 types of sex
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on