Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!