“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
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Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
<- sleeps well with others
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Ferrari squats
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”