New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….