I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
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My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts