My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
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well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Seems kinda suspicious
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Just grow your own
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses