Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
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GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times