At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
You Might Also Like
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about