Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out