[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
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Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.