Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
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When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Always
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history