The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.