U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
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People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Did my cat write this
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…