condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs