[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
You Might Also Like
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
im 7 sauces long
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
sin harder.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”