you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
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“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]