They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
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Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
True
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
They also CAN sing✌️
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.