me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
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Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
My beach vacation Google searches
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy