Fabio hasn’t aged a day
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a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Ha.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.