Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
You Might Also Like
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them