I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
it be like that